I cried tonight.

I was just looking at MRI quiz slides, surprised that I recognized more than I thought, and let my mind wander. It has been a really long year. I'm exhausted. I'm in the midst of a losing battle of sanity vs. BC emotions and BC is kicking my butt. I have been cranky, cranky cranky. And bloated. Honestly, I'm more annoyed at the bloat b/c I am on day 10 of level 2 (give or take a few skipped days, I've been pretty consistently doing 30 Day Shred) and while my arms look pretty good my tummy/hips are still far from toned. I guess eating right is better than exercise, at least for me.

Random rant: Gender equality/neutral behavior promoting has been blowing up the internet lately. CNN got in on it, too. I may be considered "old fashioned" but while crying tonight, I sat there as my husband rubbed my back and wailed "I just want a ma-ma-manicure. And a haaiirrcut. And I want to shop. In a store." At which point we both started cracking up, thinking of how ridiculous I sounded. As trivial as these things may be, I like having pretty nails (self-attempts look worse than my five-year-old magic marker manicures) and I have not worn flip flops/sandals yet this summer (it's been hot here for a while) because I am embarrassed of my naked toes. I LIKE being a girl. I LIKE mani-pedis, blow-dries, shopping. Baking is relaxing and I think cooking dinner is fun. I also like being a med student, not being a SAHM, and having a husband who does dishes while watching NBA playoffs (which I watch too, while making Pharm flashcards.)

While I understand and promote the ideas of girls getting into engineering, biotech, sciences, math, I don't think it has to come at the expense of tea parties, ballet tutus, or pigtails. By fighting so hard to be "like the guys" we lose the ways we are special. I still think there is nothing more awesome than a girl shooting a 3 pointer with eyeliner and straight-ironed hair, a cardiologist rocking bright red lipstick and heels, and computer science engineer in a sundress. If we try to make everyone equal, we may just suck the individuality out of everyone. (In fairness, when my 4 y/o brother prefers baking cooking to monster trucks, we just enjoy the cookies, no second thought. All this boy/girl stuff has to chill. Let kids be who they want and stop imposing adult concerns on them)

Update: Thursday night 1 in the morning... I felt so guilty that I couldn't fit a 20 minute work out plan in that I did it, So, with a shower, I only got to sleep at 2 AM. Considering Friday was crazy and I didnt have a single second to contemplate 30DS, I'm glad I did it. So 5/6 is pretty good.

Im just too tired to complete day 5 of 30 day shred. I was up cooking tonight, and while my plan was to work out while my food was in the oven I am just too tired.

Also, one of my friends in a different state posted pics of a first birthday party she went to (I've met the hostess briefly so of course we are facebook friends). OMG. Talk about feeling incompetent. She made a magnificent cake, cake pops, gorgeous decorations, the pictures are unbelievable. The part that got to me the perfectionist part of me was shocked that SHE MADE IT ALL HERSELF. Seriously, it looked like a party planner/decorator/bakery event. I just felt so incompetent thinking of the mini muffins and bagels I served at my daughter's birthday party. Does anyone else feel this way at times? Even if I wasn't in med school, I still could not/would not have done something like that. It may be time to say goodbye to Facebook; when looking at pictures of people you don't really know make you feel awful, it just may not be worth it.

Also, looking at anything while exhausted has a dark, negative tinge to it. Just an observation :)

It's a weird feeling, writing a blog. I'm still getting used to throwing my ideas/thoughts/stories out to the greater world to be read by whoever stumbles upon it. But as I've been adopting a few blogs to read daily, I feel more compelled to contribute to this "blogosphere." I wonder if there is a reciprocal etiquette required; if you read mine, at least post something so I can decide to read it if procrastination takes over productivity. Emails and texts demand responses, letters to the editor enhance discussion, and the internet would not be as global or engaging without the efforts of individuals around the world. So, I've decided to start posting a bit, whether or not anyone reads it.

I work well under deadlines and with a clear plan. So when I realized how weak and out of shape I was a few weeks ago, I decided to make a concrete plan and stick with it. In January, I did the Sass Yourself Slim Diet.. in 30 days I lost 12 pounds of pregnancy ice cream, chocolate, and peanut butter weight. I still have 10 more to go, and my baby's 1 y/o birthday just passed. Wanting to get my strenght and stamina back and not as motivated to return to the diet (which was surprisingly easy and delicious, I just don't have as much time to cook) I started Jillian's 30 day shred. I am on day 3, it is 1 AM and I just finished the workout. When I say I'll do something, I do it. Even if it is past midnight and I have lecture prep to finish up. My arms are shaking and my thighs are sore, but I feel awesome.

To keep track for myself, I'll post a short bit every day. 3 days down, 27 to go!